Relief

So a heart disease can also be something that ends anxiety. Sounds kinda odd but I did feel a bit of relief as I listened to the doctor on Wednesday. I was relieved knowing that I do indeed have a heart problem and what exactly that problem is. I was relieved that now I understand exactly why I have a murmur, why the mitral valve isn't totally closing and causing this murmur, why my EKG is abnormal, why I have arryhythmias/palpitations and so on. But I was also relieved that I didn't have to stress over riding, that I didn't have to stress over training 6 days a week just to be competitive in the expert class, stress over planning my rides, ride locations, clothing, drinks, tubes, CO2's, weather conditions, bike parts, etc, etc... No more feeling guilty when I miss a ride, or not feeling like getting on the trainer when it's storming, or stressing over why I felt bad on a ride or why I didn't win the sprint on Tuesday night. I felt free of blowing off so many things in my life so I could get on my bike and get away, jam the MP3's, cranks the pedals and feel the wind blow though my helmet as cars whizz by. I felt relieved that my mind would not be consumed with everything that goes with my cycling lifestyle and the lifestyle of a guy who has the never-ending desire to compete and to race and to keep coming back for more. I was free of the guilt that always consumes me when spend less time with Avery because I "have to" ride. I felt devastation as I listened to Mayo's diagnosis but that same devastation was accompanied by a little relief. Relief can be seen as something positive, right?

Thursday morning I woke up and the first thought that came into my head was that I didn't have to ride that day, that the revelation that occurred at Mayo the day before was not a dream. My next thought was, "Damn, I still gotta go to work and keep going nonetheless." Later I walked into my garage to grab my shoes, looked over at my bikes hanging on the wall and all of my race numbers making a border around the top of the walls and I felt the sting hit me that I already missed riding- that my passion died before I was ready to let it go. I am still optimistic that this is not permanent. I can't help but to hold on to the slightest hope that I will be back on the bike some day and sitting on the line at a race, thinking about nothing else in the world besides pedaling my ass off...