Man, this crap can be rough. A lot of the time I am just going with the flow, caught up in every day life and then sometimes I start to think about this nonsense and it tends to consume me. How it can effect you is almost like good days and bad days on the bike- some days you have it and some days you just don't. With that being said, yesterday sucked. After doing a stress test Monday (and keeping my HR in the 180's for minutes!) and then wearing a Holter monitor for 24 hours, I had an MRI scheduled for yesterday. I was very anxious to get this test done because it is the last test that I will need for the docs to confirm the full extent of my condition, apical hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I am also eager to find out exactly what I can and cannot do because yesterday marked my 8th day in a row of no exercise. I also found out that my mountain bike is in and I know that when I pick it up, bring it home only to NOT be able to ride it, it's gonna suck.
I was pretty nervous about the MRI because I am slightly belonephobic (scared of needles) and mildly claustrophobic. I knew I would be getting an IV for them to inject the dye for the MRI and even though I had stopped fainting years ago from needles (mainly blood draws), I was still nervous as heck. Well, I didn't faint when the nurse stuck the 18 gage whopper in my vein but I came close- they had to lay my sorry behind down. Ugh, not a good start. Then as I sat in the waiting room they pulled a lady from the MR and rush her to the OR- her face was purple! Anxiety was now up a few notches. When I got in the MR room the tech asked me about being claustrophobic and I told him that I had done an MRI before and even though they had to pull me out of it initially, I got through it. I also told him why I was claustrophobic but I thought that the Navy had cured it. Then he said the MRI would last an hour (a WHOLE hour unable to move!), they would inject a dye (and I would feel it) and I'd have to hold my breath for every scan, one time lasting a full minute. I felt flushed, especially after they strapped me down to the table and I could not move. Once they got me in the scanner, I immediately asked to be pulled out- got my bearings and said I was ready after quite a bit of encouragement. I got back in, had music on, got a few scans for positioning and then a friggin panic attack hit me and I had to get out! What the hell? How can I not over come this? The tech said I had the option to reschedule, be sedated and use a larger bore scanner. I thought about it and eventually agreed even though I could not comprehend why I could not make myself do this. Hell, I even felt faint as the nurse pulled the IV out!
It seemed like everything I felt was amplified by 10 yesterday. I think as I was waiting for the MRI and I saw all of the old people and all of the sick people, it all finallly caught up to me yesterday- I have a heart disease. Anyhow, I was beat- I felt like a kid again in need of a good cry. But man, I can't let this crap get the best of me. I will concede yesterday though, because I could not overcome those fears even though I have in the past. I felt like crap the rest of the day but I know I need to put an end to the slight decline of my spirit... Hell, I can't be a pud daddy to Avery- she thinks I spell my middle name T-U-F-F...
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